Let me start of by saying, I love nature. Some of the best memories I have been out doors, on the ocean or watching the wonder that is the world around us. In addition, I am a huge fan of Thailand. The food, wildlife, weather, and so much else about this country I absolutely love. However, in my recent stay with my dear friend Ariel, I have been finally been able understand what people mean when they say living near the jungle is a constant battle to keep nature at bay. If you let up your guard for even a day, (sometimes even a few hours) nature takes over.
Now I know some of you probably think, you should just let nature runs its course, and nature can’t really be that bad. Well, I guess that depends on you as a person. Let me give some examples of some of the ways nature has crept in over the last week and a half.
I should mention that Ariel’s house is much like many Thai houses and is very open. It has three bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen / porch all that is outside and covered.
Shortly after arriving here we noticed a wasp flying around the kitchen. This was a kind of wasp I had never seen before and we promptly named it ‘Avatar’ because it looks like some fierce hybrid thing. No sooner than we named it, we caught it trying to build a nest on one of the walls in the kitchen. Now this would clearly not do. We were forced to spray the poor bastard and go running for our lives as he spent his last bit of energy trying to sting us (understandably). We cleaned up the starting of his hive and went about our day…
… the next morning I awoke to find more of Avatar’s brothers who decided our little warning wasn’t quite enough. Instead of trying to build their nest on the wall, they decided to build it on a wooden can opener that was in the drying rack beside the sink. Why on earth would a wooden can opener be a good place to start a bee-hive? I have no idea, but didn’t have time to ask them. I grabbed my spray gave them an unhealthy douce and took off at full sprint.
It was several days before they made their return and attempted to make their hive in the cover of night. Ariel was out for a few drinks at a local bar and had left his kitchen light on, a seemingly harmless mistake. When he returned, not three hours later, the little guys had already begun full scale construction of a hive on his kitchen light. Again… why when there are so many good place? Who knows, but Ariel didn’t bother to ask them…
Now that is just a matter dealing with bees. Other life forms have a whole story.
Next stop, ants. I love ants. They are one of the cutest and probably most bad-ass insects around, seeming relatively harmless most of the time. I am not sure what they have been feeding the ants in Thailand, but these guys are mean bastards. Most nights, when we finish cooking and sit down to eat, the ants have already preplanned their strategy of attack. Every morsel of food we drop to the ground has a full fledged demolition team ready that begins within minutes. It is extremely impressive. However, when the food drops a bit too close to our feet, or we happen to walk across an ant line… thats when it become painful. Despite the incredibly small size of the ants, they decide it is a great time to taste human flesh before dying. I can’t say I blame them, but seriously, ouch…
Mosquitos I will leave alone, they are always a pain in the ass, and in Thailand, they are no different. Screw you guys.
Perhaps one of the most awesome infringements of nature are the lizards. So far I have seen about three or four different types of lizards (in the kitchen or porch) that range from the size of hotdog, that eat the small flies and moths to the big daddies who probably weigh about 1.5-2kg. Most days are rather quiet, but night times are filled with these guys, literally, all over the walls taking out every moth dumb enough to get close to them. Their speed is really amazing to be honest. The only time they really cause any problems is when they get inside your bedroom or somehow lose their ability to cling to walls and come crashing down on you.
Millipedes, slugs, snails and other crawly things find their way into the kitchen on a seemingly regular basis and require swift brooking out. These guys really don’t bother me too much but I know that the millipedes especially creep Noriko out.
Now to be honest with you, all of this is well and good, and has been relatively fun. I really don’t mind the wildlife and have been kind enough to them over the past week and a half. However, there is one thing I simply cannot cope with…
Big-ass-spiders. These things look somewhat like tarantulas. They are big, they are hairy, they move fast, they jump and they creep me right the hell out. I know I shouldn’t be afraid of spiders, but I am. Deal with it. Its not that if I see them I get all panicked, but when I am sitting down in my kitchen, enjoying a nice cup of tea and playing chess, feeling quite at ease, when one of these massive spiders comes in to the kitchen and starts scurrying around trying to find a place to make a home for her and her babies, I admittedly freak out a bit. Not only that but we have to stop our game and begin an epic mission to take her out, which proves surprisingly difficult. Perhaps because of their size or whatnot, they prove surprisingly resistant to spray. After the mission is complete, comes the cleanup. Now the spider usually comes in here for a reason, and that is because it is a dry safe place for her hundreds of babies. The next part of the mission involves cleaning up those babies to make sure the house is not overrun by massive, hairy spiders in a few weeks.
Thankfully, so far only one of these spiders has decided to test her luck against the wrath of Ariel and Kyle since I arrived. Hopefully there will not be too many more. I don’t think my nerves could take too many of them.
So far the snakes and other wildlife we have seen around has stayed out of the kitchen. We will just have to see how long this lasts. Until then, I will continue my ever vigilant watch over kitchen to remind intruders to stay out, lest ye be punished.